It’s Movie Time: Absolute Zero

Newest in my venture to watch my movie collection in alphabetical(ish) order. To see other posts in the series, click here. As always, potential Spoiler Alert.

First off, I would like to make it abundantly clear that this one is not my fault. Ron bought Absolute Zero, not me. In fact, I tried very hard to dissuade him from wasting four of his hard-earned dollars on this turkey, but he didn’t listen. So it is very much Not. My. Fucking. Fault.

Second off, I would like to make it abundantly clear that I’ve not been looking forward to wasting another 86 minutes of my life on this, and have decided to use copious amounts of alcohol to get me through. Because liquor can’t possibly kill more brain cells than this movie.

More Absolut than Absolute, if you will.

For those of you who haven’t seen it – which I hope is the vast majority of you – Absolute Zero is one of those so bad it’s bad B-movies, as opposed to the so bad it’s good kind. It’s got about eight characters in it, four of whom are killed off in the first ten minutes because the production couldn’t afford to pay for them, and those who are left couldn’t overact their way out of a wet paper bag. I’ll admit it’s got a slightly higher budget than the usual shot-on-video-at-the-rock-quarry-on-the-edge-of-town schlockfest, but, well, it doesn’t help.

Although at one point, an iceberg floats into Miami, and one of the characters says, “It’s like Canada out there,” and Ron, God love him, muttered, “Fuck off.” So there’s that.

This seems an opportune time to remind everyone that I did not buy this movie.

What gets me most about these apocalyptic TV movies, though, is their complete and total lack of understanding about science. Any science. From big stuff like climate change (on which just so many of them are based), to little stuff like windows, nothing makes sense. In this one, an unmodified shipping container is enough to provide shelter from Antarctic storms, elevator doors work differently depending on what floor one is trying to pry them open on, and a helicopter flies with no problem in absolute zero temperatures.

Know what else doesn’t work? Getting rid of this stinker of a film. Even though Ron has a personal policy to keep every movie he buys, no matter how bad, he gave me permission to put this out at a couple of yard sales. Even priced at $1, nobody would buy it. Hell, I couldn’t even give it away for free.

Which makes it, perhaps, more of a horror movie than anything.

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